Grass is always greener on the other side?

Staggered into the living room, almost dark, with speakers blaring.

Painfully weary, eyes looked around, what was so despairing?

Squinted through a throbbing head for all that I could glean,

Acclimatising to the bleak light, from the computer screen.

Faintly saw six faces, hurdled with intent stares, grimacing to the strumming and drumming,

The perplexed frown started to ease, when I heard, ‘winter iscoming’!

Unnoticed, I walk past into the room, a zillion thoughts running through my mind,

Each muscle discontent over being unheeded, none being very kind.

Lay on the bed, a tiny whimper escaped, didn’t know what to lament over,

Working late, aloofness from the hurdle, or just the rebellingrover.

Shut my eyes and forced my lips into a smile, hoping for some cheer.

But yesterday’s errors and tomorrow’s terrors altered it to a sneer.

Just as twilight was about to usher in the beautiful winter dawn,

Whammed the alarm through a groggy mind, detested being this pawn. 

Tried to rise, incompetent of motion and incapable of any thought,

Ogled at everyone, as they slept; this morning sure made me distraught.

Rose to a resolve, to break free, to be a part of the hurdle tonight.

Just like the six faces, I called friends, who had all the time to unwind.

Ventured into the unknown and assumed the rebel now had triumphed,

Only to enter the room still dark, but a, desolate absence is what galumphed.

Unnoticed again, I lay on bed, the faces had returned after working late into the night.

The rebelling rover lamented yet again, this time over a little too much time to unwind.

Realised that I was still a pawn, when I heard them hurdle andcheer,

Here I was with thoughts just one less than a zillion that just wouldn’t clear.

Walked into the dark room and stared at the six faces,

When slowly moved closer, I learnt there were seven places.

Filled the empty seat and consociated with Jon Snow screaming,

Continued to stare at what had once seemed a bleak light and tears started streaming.

I was to decide! To lie with thoughts one less than a zillion or to ride with the tide.

To cheer for Khalisi close to dawn or that the grass is always greener on the other side.

End to the wait or a wait for the end

Quivering lips, plastered with a sheepish smile,

Wavering mind pacing between play or to pause for a while.

Excited because of the lingering comfort of familiarity,

Scared because naive desire will be uncovered underneath the garb of confidence and maturity.

Frenzied emotions and delirious thoughts,

Hindering the crazy ride are some latent, unironed knots.

Certain, uncertain, sure, unsure, mind fails to comprehend,

An end to the wait or a wait for the end.

PS: These lines explain the confusion, chaos, drama, indecisiveness of a person with anxiety issues. Something that might be as simple as meeting a new person is the cause for so much drama in the person's head. A person you have spoken to, chatted with and are familiar with even then the anticipation of what will happen causes such disturbance. He/She is always thinking it will end, no matter how nice, so what's the point in meeting new people creating fun situations, it will all end. Even when there is a tiny drop of hope that someone brings that this perhaps will be that new beginning but the anxiety driven brain says, "yes but the beginning to a new end".

Hope or ‘Expectation Well Trained’!

For what had seemed like a hundred years, I waited with baited breath,

A chilly angst, racing thoughts, a pick of life and death!

I hoped to hear what I wanted to hear;

A hope so bleak and wry.

And even before he started to speak, I let out a famished cry!

I had already felt it through and froze in place as he spelt it out,

Yes it was the colossal haze, with that thudding clout.

Bizarrely perplexed to find out why,

Reason seemed cold and vain.

As I scraped up my pride the third time in a row, it returned; the piercing pain!

My heart had sunk and guts so wrenched, a throbbing head called out,

After I had wailed it through and smothered the sniffles, I sat up, oh so stout!

A vigour unknown and rigour renewed,

I now asked the forbidden why,

I looked at me, and we both were mum,

Eureka! There, my answer wasn’t at all glum.

Self-indictment looked me in the eye, I wanted to cringe with shame,

What was life and death a while ago, it all seemed so lame,

Was it a perspective or a maze of hope,

I hadn’t understood till each drop had drained,

For now I realized it wasn’t hope at all, just expectation well trained!

PS: More often than not we wish to believe that we are hopeful about things and one to give it that one last try. Sometime, just sometime, it is not really hope. We just expect that things will turn out our way and refuse to give up even if we have compromise. Now that sounds very similar to hope, right? What if expectation overpowers everything else, and you end up compromising way more than you will ever gain from the situation even if it turns out your way. Now is that still hope? Think about it....

Unlearn....

Today I wish to forget, to have a novel view.
Today I wsih to let go, to experience the new.
Never look back and take a giant leap so stern,
Today I wish, I could unlearn.

Regretless, Remorseless, a willing me,
With nothing to plan and nothing to foresee.
Uncomplicated, unburdened and a relieved glee.
Today I wish to cinch a victory.

I learned, to give a meaning to life.
I learned to understand, to overcome strife.
I learned for I thought, I endowed myself with knowledge so rife.
Ah! I learned not to unlearn, to live a life.

Today I wish to be able to discern,
Chaste from vile, calm from concern.
Today I wish to never look back and take a giant leap so stern,
Oh, how I wish I could unlearn!!

PS: During our formative years we learn so much. Some we are taught to be able to sustain competition, some we learn to fit in and this continues for long. Then there comes a time when you wish you had no pre-conceived notions, no past to grieve about, no future to worry about, never worry about saying or doing something to hurt others, lack understanding to be hurt by others. Just unlearn everything and start afresh. Take things as they come and have no pretext to it. The thought itself gives you a high....No?

If I Were You and You Were Me

While I sat staring steep,
A placid garb and thoughts knee deep.
I wondered and pondered on views and takes,
After-all what difference can a vantage point make?!
Broke into cold sweat and a chill down the spine,
Shaking my leg, I sipped onto my wine.
What if tomorrow I woke up to see,
If I were you and you were me.

Would I still lean on the back-seat of my car,
And desire for peace and the world to be at par?
Would I still stare at the bus passing by,
And sigh at the plight of the crowd that uses it to ply?
Would I still lecture the little boy who stole,
On what Plato has to say and what Aristotle has told?
Would I still slouch on weekends on the couch,
Complaining of the dirty roads and urchins that crouch?

Would I still believe,
That life is so wry,
And grief is to cry?
That friendship should be dense,
And life should make sense?
Would I still believe,
That love happens once,
No wars and no guns?
That the world is too strange,
And that things will change?

Jolted back by the shake of my leg,
Wading through thoughts, I was back to my peg.
The tranquil  was broken, I was pacing down the hall,
It was just a vantage point or was it the alcohol?
Was I still scared? I wouldnt say no.
But a relief unknown, to a fading woe.
That tomorrow if I wake up to see,
That I was you and you were me.

Note: There are times more often than not, when I wish I was on the other side. And I would want to see myself from someone else's point of view. What would seeing the same thing from different vantage points be like. Would I still believe in my firm ideologies then? Would I still believe in my small little faiths then? Being the traditionalist that I am, I resist change, and am scared at times that if only a vantage point changes everything about me right from something as big as my ideogies to something as little as my hopes and faith then I will be a different person altogether. Or probably its the other way round, it this fear of turning into somebody else, is why I am a traditionalist and I resist change. But could be that it is only towards being a better one. Probably its not that scary or not that big a deal!!!! Who knows....Probably easier to tell once, a couple of pegs down.....